Drawing the Line
by pennylayne
Summary: Number Five in the A Very Thin Line series. Mush and Kid Blink face parenthood. Mush's point of view.
1. A Beatle and a Baby

"I got my mind set on you!" I sing along loudly with the radio as I dance around the kitchen, making the spaghetti sauce I intend to use for dinner tonight. Grabbing a wooden spoon, I use it as a microphone, grateful and yet a little disappointed that there's no one around to see my little impromptu performance. "But it's gonna take money, a whole lot of spendin' money! Yeah, it's gonna take plenty of money, to do it right, child!"

The radio switches off just as I'm wailing about patience and time, and a pair of arms slide around my waist. I feel a chin rest on my shoulder and the cool, worn leather of an eye patch against my cheek.

"Hey," Blink's voice says softly in my ear.

"Hey, baby." I lean back against his chest, smiling. "How was work?"

He grumbles something and presses his forehead into the crook of my neck. "Carrie tripped over a piece of the set and sprained her ankle today." He sighs and shakes his head. "And so I have to sit down and talk with her understudy, make sure she knows all the dances. I don't want to. I fucking hate this play."

Blink is choreographing a Broadway play – something we usually do together, we work almost exclusively as a team, but I got hired to do the choreography for a series of music videos, so we haven't seen each other much lately. Blink's taking it especially hard, and has been enjoying work less and less.

"It'll be over soon. You go on stage in what, three, four weeks?"

"Five. And even then it's not over. I still have to do tune-up rehearsals." He sighs again and brings his head back up. "What's for dinner?"

"Spaghetti." I grin and turn around in his arms, planting a kiss on his forehead. "You hungry?"

"Starving." He tilts his face up to mine and kisses me, smirking. "Just don't tell my actors that I'm eating it."

I laugh and nod. "My lips are sealed if you'll return the favor."

"Well, that'll put a damper on my plans for the night."

Shaking my head, I turn back to the cutting bored and start cracking garlic. "Why don't you fix yourself a drink and then maybe set the table for me?"

"Will do." He heads over to the liquor cabinet and starts mixing something. "You want one?"

"Oh, I don't know. I'm cooking."

"Already making it."

"Well then, fine."

He laughs and pours two glasses, setting one on the counter next to me. "There you go."

"Thanks, Blink." Yes, I still call him by his high-school nickname, and it just so happens he calls me by mine. Mush. His is obvious, but don't ask how I got mine. I don't even know.

I take a sip and get back to cooking.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Once dinner is over and the dishes are cleared and loaded into the dishwasher, we settle down on the couch for a movie and some together time. Blink sits down with the remote and I lay down with my head in his lap, smiling up at him before turning to the television.

"So what're we watching?" I rest my hand on his knee, half out of intimacy and half out of getting the fabric of his slacks out of my way so I can see.

"_The Machinist_." Blink's hand finds its way to my hair, toying idly with it while the movie plays. He loves to do this, and sometimes, like probably right now, he doesn't even realize he's doing it.

"Ugh. This is such a weird freaking movie."

"Yeah, but it's good."

"But Christian Bale looks so gross in it."

"Mush, what does that have to do with the quality of the movie?"

"There's nothing pretty to look at."

He tugs sharply at my hair and I yelp, then laugh as I rub the sore spot on my head. Blink chuckles. "You can look at me, then. I'm pretty."

"That you are." I pat his knee.

This is how it's been for the past twelve, maybe thirteen years. Somewhere in between the sickeningly sarcastic banter and the vicious (and, admittedly, mostly stupid and pointless) arguments, we managed to fall in love and, by some fluke in the course of nature, stayed that way. It never ceases to amaze me.

We stay in silence for most of the movie before I suddenly turn onto my back and look up at Blink. It takes him a couple minutes to notice, but then he looks down at me and smiles a little. "Can I help you with something?"

"Can we talk?"

He picks up the remote and turns off the television, looking back down at me. "Is something wrong?"

"No," I say, smiling.

"Is this a serious talk?" He takes my hand, holding it. I squeeze it gently.

"Well, yeah."

"So what's up?"

I exhale nervously, looking up into his face. "What do you think about maybe having a baby?"

"I think the both of us are missing some pretty vital equipment for that."

"Blink, you know what I mean." I roll my eyes and shake my head. "Adopting. I want to adopt a baby."

He's silent for a minute or so. I'd never let him know it, but I'm completely terrified of what he's thinking. "Mush," he says finally, no readable expression on his face, "are you sure we're ready for this?"

I sit up, positioning myself next to him. "Well, we both make good money, we're on our feet, we've got a big enough place here, and we've been together for a really long time. I think we're stable enough."

"Well, we're stable enough to last, just you and me. But are we stable enough for a kid?" He wraps his arm around me, letting his hand rest warmly on my shoulder.

"Why wouldn't we be?" I look over at him, hoping that he isn't going where I think he's going.

"Honey, with as much as we work, we're never home. And when we are, we're either sleeping or working even more." He plants a kiss on my temple. "I just don't know if there's room in there for a kid."

"We can make room." I lean my head on his shoulder. "We can cut back on our workload a little. Maybe not do so many plays. We can alternate days, even." I sigh and wrap my arm around the front of his waist. "We can do this, Blink."

He's silent again. For a really long time. I close my eyes and brace myself for the letdown.

"You really want this, don't you?"

I lift my head and look into his eyes (or _eye_, if you're picky). "I really do."

Blink smiles. "Then let's do it."

Grinning, I tackle him on the couch and start kissing him all over his face. I never thought I'd get so excited about something like this, but there are few times in my life I can recall being any happier than I am right now.

"Easy, Mush." He laughs and turns his face to the side.

I laugh with him and start kissing his neck. "I love you, Blink."

"Love you, too."

Turning his face back to mine, I press my lips to his. "Thanks."


	2. The Search for a Mrs Doubtfire

It's been a couple of weeks, but after some extensive research and a lot of frustration, Blink and I have finally found an adoption agency. I scheduled a meeting with the director last week and so now, we're sitting in the waiting room, pretending not to be as nervous as we are.

A door swings open and a woman in black slacks, heels, and a sage-green blouse steps out, looking up from a clipboard. "Meyers?" She looks around the waiting room and Blink and I jump up. We follow her into her office, and she stares at us a moment before reading over the papers. Her eyes go wide.

"Um, which one of you is Jason Meyers?"

I smile. "That'd be me."

She looks me over and then looks back at the paper again. "So who's this?"

Blink extends his hand. "Zacharias Erickson. Or Zach, for short, if you'd like."

She takes his hand gingerly and then pulls away. "And you are here because?"

He's stunned and I can't blame him. I have no idea what's going on. We're silent for a moment.

"He's my, uh, partner." I put my arm around his waist and smile, blushing a little. "At least, I think that's what they call it now."

The woman blinks. "I wasn't aware you were... _homosexuals_."

"It, um, it wasn't specified on the application. All it asked was if I was married, single, or living with someone. So I checked 'living with someone.'"

She sets her clipboard down on her desk and folds her arms over her chest. "Well, I'm sorry, but we don't really serve same-sex couples here."

The color is rising in Blink's cheeks. "Why the hell not?"

The woman blinks again. "Sir, please stay calm." She leans a hip on her desk and sighs. "We are a Christian organization and we provide adoption services to couples who are willing to raise their children with Christian values. You can't really have a Christian upbringing when the parents are openly and blatantly living in sin and not doing anything to correct themselves." Shaking her head, she looks us over again. "Besides, children fare better when raised by one mother and one father - do you really want to subject a poor, innocent child to the pain and suffering of having two homosexual fathers?"

I feel Blink tense against me. "Listen here, you stupid fucking bigot, this is where I draw the line. You've got no right--"

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask the two of you to leave." She opens the door and gestures us out. "I have other appointments to get to." And the door closes in our faces.

My eyes are starting to sting as we walk out to the car, and the tears are flowing by the time I slump into the passenger seat. Blink gets in on the driver's side and slams the door, grumbling obscenities to himself as he starts the car. As we're leaving the parking lot, he looks over at me. "Aww, Mush." He puts his hand on my knee, squeezing gently. "It's going to be fine."

I wipe my face and sniff, staring out the window. "This isn't fair, Blink."

"I know." He pats my knee and starts driving home.

"I mean, just because we're gay, we'll make bad parents? It doesn't make any fucking sense! There are straight people who are _horrible_ parents and no one does a damned thing about it!" I'm fighting the urge to break the window. "She doesn't even know us! How does she know we won't be good parents?"

"She's just a bitch, Mush. And a bigot. People are extraordinarily stupid, and she is in the top tier of it all."

I sigh. "It's just not fair. Is this even legal? Telling us we can't adopt just because we're gay?"

He shakes his head. "I doubt it. I think it falls under discrimination."

"We should sue. We can sue, can't we?"

"Yeah, but it's not really worth it." He pulls into the parking garage of our apartment building, sighing. "You know, what we could do is find a surrogate." He opens the door and slides out.

"A surrogate?" I get out of the car, walking around it to join him.

"Well, yeah." He locks the doors and offers his hand to me. "We could find a girl through another adoption agency who's pregnant. Or we could even do an in vitro surrogate, if you really wanted to. Um, we could put an ad in the newspaper, too, and have the people contact us, and not have to hassle with an agency."

I smile a little, finally. "That sounds good."

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

We place an ad in the paper for a surrogate, and have received nothing but crazy methamphetamine addicts basically trying to sell their children to us. It's like that one scene in _Mrs. Doubtfire_ where Sally Field places the ad in the newspaper for a nanny and Robin Williams calls a bunch of times with nothing but the least desirable characters for the job. I mean, I feel bad for these kids that are going to be born, but a.) I don't think I could handle a drug baby - I wouldn't be able to go on if it didn't survive, and b.) I don't feel like buying a child so some stupid woman can go get her next fix.

I've pretty much given up hope, when my cell phone rings two weeks after placing the ad.

"Hello?" I take a last look in the mirror before leaving the bathroom to finish getting ready for work.

"Um... is Jason or Zach there?" A small voice squeaks from the other end of the line.

"This is Jason." I go into the kitchen and pour myself a cup of coffee.

"Hi, um, my name is Jenny... um, I read your ad in the paper and I was wondering if you were still looking for a surrogate?" She sounds so nervous. It's really kind of cute.

"We are. Are you looking for someone to adopt your baby?" I can't help but smile. She actually sounds decent.

"Yeah."

"How far along are you, Jenny?" I sip my coffee and look out the kitchen window, wishing Blink was here.

"Four months. About."

"Okay. Well, I'll tell you what. My partner and I will meet with you to discuss things, and we'll see where things go from there."

"That sounds good." She sounds like she might be smiling a little bit. "Um, when?"

"We're both off tomorrow. Are you free for lunch?"

"Well... no. I have class until two-thirty."

"Oh, you're a college student?" I finish my coffee and set the cup in the sink, then go to find my shoes.

She clears her throat and pauses. "Um... high school, actually."

"Oh." I stop in my quest for shoes, holding the phone and blinking. "Do... do your parents know you're pregnant?"

"Yeah. Um, actually, this whole adoption thing was their idea."

"And you're okay with it?" She makes a little "mm-hmm" noise, and I nod. "What about the baby's father? He's okay with you giving up the baby?"

Jenny clears her throat again. "I... well, the father doesn't matter."

"Sweetheart, as much as my partner and I want a child, we aren't going to take someone's baby away from them against their will. Your baby's father should have a say in this, too."

Her voice is a little bit sharp. "The thing is... there isn't really a father. I mean, I don't know who it is." There's an awkward silence. "Not that I'm a slut. I mean, it's not what you think. This baby, we'll say, was not put here by my own doing."

I nod. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you." I scratch my head. "So, how about you meet us after you get out of school tomorrow?"

"Where at?"

"You pick the place." I go back to searching for my shoes, one of which is under the bed, and the other one is in the closet. I don't know how these things happen. I've never been particularly neat, trust me, but this is just ridiculous.

"How about Starbucks?" She rattles off a location.

"That sounds good. That's actually pretty close to our place. Say, three o'clock?"

"Alright. I'll see you tomorrow at three."

We hang up, and I grin, just barely resisting the urge to pump my fist in the air and scream. Instead, I call Blink and tell him the good news.

"That's incredible, Mush! When are we meeting her?"

"Tomorrow. Three. Starbucks."

"Great." There's a racket in the background. "Hey, honey, I'm really sorry, but I have to get back to work."

"That's okay, I have to head out myself anyway."

"I love you."

I smile. It's so sweet when he says that. "I love you, too. Bye."


	3. Meeting Mommy to Be

We walk into the Starbucks at two-fifty, holding on to one another's hands nervously. I look around at all the people, some reading, some working on their laptops, some just sitting and scowling morosely at the world of caffeine-dependent workaholics surrounding them as they themselves slurp down their corporate coffee.

There's a red-headed girl who looks to be about sixteen sitting at a table for three, staring intently at the door. She looks at us and we look back at her, and she stands up, smiling. I look her over, the honest face, the anxious smile, and the slight swell in her belly. We walk over to her, nearly tripping over three or four chairs in the process.

"Jenny?"

"Yeah. You must be Jason and Zach." She grins and extends her hand, which we both shake. "It's good to meet you."

"You, too," Blink says, sitting down. "I'm Zach, he's Jason." He nods to me. "Or Blink and Mush respectively, but don't ask us to explain those."

"Um... I won't." She laughs a little in confusion.

"Can I get you anything?" I gesture to the counter.

"Um, maybe just an iced tea? Something without caffeine." She smiles at me. No caffeine. Smart girl. "Thanks."

I go up to the counter and order drinks, wait for them to finish and then come back to the table. "So, Jenny," I say as I sit down beside Blink, "how old are you?"

"I'll be seventeen in just a couple of weeks here. November nineteenth."

"So you're, what, a junior in high school?" Blink drinks his coffee.

"Yeah." She nods and takes a sip of her tea.

"Why do you want to give your baby up for adoption?" I sit back in my chair, hoping she doesn't feel like she's being interrogated.

She clears her throat. "Well... first off, I can't afford to take care of a child. I'm still a kid myself, and I have two younger brothers. My parents can't afford to raise the three of us and another new baby. And then... I told you about how I got pregnant. I just... I don't think I'll be able to love this baby the way it needs to be, and that's not fair. I don't think I'll be able to live with yet another constant reminder of what happened. This baby needs someone who will love it and take care of it, no matter where it came from. I can't do that."

"So why didn't you get an abortion when you found out you were pregnant?" Blink asks, and I elbow him in the ribcage.

She gasps. "That's horrible! I could never do that!"

"Sorry," Blink says, staring down at his coffee cup and appearing not unlike a child who's just been scolded.

"Anyway," I say, sipping my coffee. "So your parents suggested giving this baby up for adoption, and you agreed?"

Jenny nods. "I'd been thinking about it for a couple of weeks before I told them. They brought it up and we decided that giving the baby away would be best for all parties involved." She shrugs. "So we talked to some adoption agencies and then my mom saw your ad in the newspaper and told me to give you a call. So I did. And you both seem really nice, you seem like really decent people."

"Some might say that's debatable," Blink says with a smirk. "But all evidence points to our being decent."

Jenny grins. "I'm glad you have a sense of humor, too."

"You have no idea." I roll my eyes when Blink grins. "So, back to this baby. This is a really uncomfortable question, but I have to ask it. You're clean, aren't you?"

She nods. "Yeah, absolutely. I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, have sex, hell, I don't even drink things with caffeine. Not since I got pregnant, anyway. I mean with the caffeine. The other things I didn't do in the first place. Um, point is, even if I'm not keeping it, I want a healthy baby." She smiles a little. "What about you guys? You're clean?"

I smile. "I'm glad you asked. That's always a good thing to ask. Yes, we are. We have the occasional drink, but that's about it."

"And you're... um... monogamous?"

Blink nearly spits out his coffee and I chuckle. "Yes. We have been for the past thirteen years."

She nods. "Impressive. Wait... how old are you two? If you don't mind me asking."

"Twenty-eight," Blink says, smiling. "We've been together since we were fifteen."

"Aww!" Jenny smiles. "That's so sweet!" She drinks some of her tea and nods. "You two seem like exactly the kind of people I'd want my baby to be adopted by."

Both Blink and I beam. "Thanks," I say, grinning.

"In fact, if you want to go ahead and talk to the adoption agency and start reviewing the paperwork to adopt the baby, you can."

"Really?" Blink's smile is taking up about three-quarters of his face.

"Really."

"We might do that," I say. I stare at her a moment, not really believing this is happening. "Um, well, if you're really serious and you want us to adopt the baby, we'll pay your medical bills and for your hospital stay when you give birth." Jenny nods. "And... oh, um, did you want an open adoption?"

She sits in silence for a minute. "Well... no. No, I don't think so. Like I said, part of the reason I'm giving this baby up is because I don't think I'll be able to handle being reminded. So I think I'd rather have a closed adoption."

"That makes sense," I say, drinking my coffee and nodding.

"But if... when the baby is older, and wants to know where it came from, I want you to tell it. I'll leave my contact information with the adoption agency so the baby can find me if... if it wants to." She smiles, but it seems to be a little bit sad. I think I actually see tears in her eyes. "I don't want you to ever lie to this baby about me."

"We won't," I say, reaching across the table and patting her hand.

"Thanks," she says. "Um... well... that's about it, isn't it?"

"Yeah, pretty much," I nod.

"Wait," Blink interjects. "I noticed you kept referring to the baby as 'it.' Does that mean you don't know what you're having?"

Jenny shakes her head. "I don't really want to find out, either. I think that if I find out, I'll get attached. I'll start thinking of names and all this mommy-baby stuff and I just can't do that or I won't be able to handle it when the baby comes."

"Well, I guess we get to be surprised, then," Blink says, looking over at me with a smile. I smile back.

"I like surprises." I stand up. "Well, I suppose that's-- oh! I forgot to ask you your due date."

"Um..." Jenny thinks for a moment. "April eleventh."

"April eleventh. We'll mark it on the calendar." I help her stand up, and then we all say goodbye. Blink and I head out to walk the four and a half blocks home, hand in hand and grinning like fools.

"So what do you want?"

I look over at Blink. "What do I want?"

"Yeah. Boy or girl?"

I laugh a little. "It doesn't really matter to me. I think that either would be wonderful, and I'll love it just as much either way."

"You want a girl, don't you?"

Grinning, I nod. "Yeah, a little bit."

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

We lay in bed in the middle of the night, awake and content after a round of rather enthusiastic lovemaking. Blink rolls onto his side and stares at me, his finger drawing little lines and circles on my chest. "Mush," he whispers.

"Yeah?"

He lays his head down on my shoulder, draping an arm over my stomach. "In five months, we're going to be parents."

I grin. "Yeah, we are."

"That's so weird to say." He nuzzles against my bare skin and squeezes me a little.

I sigh and kiss his hair, smiling to myself. "Get used to it," I say, and he laughs a little.

We both fall asleep with smiles on our faces, and I think we're both wishing we could wake up and have it be April eleventh.


	4. Collapse

Work over the next couple of months is amazing. I'm working on wrapping up the very last video and I think everyone is dancing fantastically, because _I'm_ dancing fantastically, because I'm _happy_. Emotions really rub off on the people you work with.

"Are we in a good mood yet again today, Mush?" The singer, who goes by some ridiculous stage name that I can't remember but whose real name is Lisa, comes up to me, smiling.

"We are indeed." I'm checking my voicemails and drinking a bottle of water while I'm on break, much like pretty much everyone else on the set. "We are very excited, in fact."

"That whole baby thing, huh?" Lisa smiles and sits down next to me. I nod. "How long do you have to go now?"

"Just under three months. Due date's the eleventh of April."

"Boy or girl?" She steals my bottle of water and takes a swig before I can protest.

"We don't know... we're secretly kind of hoping for a girl, though." I take my bottle back from her and sigh at its now nearly-empty state.

"Mama excited?"

"Mama's a surrogate." I smile. "My partner and I are barely staying in our seats, though."

"Oh, that's right, your partner." She giggles. "You're so damned good-looking I forgot you were a flamer."

I roll my eyes and shove her playfully. She shrieks and I shush her as another of my voicemails plays.

"Jason, um, hi. This is Jenny." Her voice sounds shaky and scared. "Um, I... I need to talk to you and Zach about something. It's, uh, it's kind of important, so could you maybe call me back or, like, maybe stop by when you get off work or something? Thanks. Um, bye."

I blink. Eight different kinds of terror are coursing through my body. "Lisa, I'm gonna have to talk to you later." I grab my keys and head out to the car while calling Blink.

"Hey, baby, what's going on?" Blink's voice is chipper and sweet.

"I'm on my way to the theatre."

"Why? Mush, what's wrong?"

"I got a call from Jenny. She said she needed to talk to us, and she sounded upset... I think something might be wrong with the baby."

"Well, hurry up then!"

I turn a corner, biting my lip. "I'm about a block and a half from the theatre. Meet me outside?"

"Yeah." Blink yells something to whoever happens to be in charge today, and I hear a rustling as he collects his things before the line goes dead. I pull up in front of the theatre and Blink jumps in the passenger side of the car, and we head over to Jenny's house.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

"Jason? Zach? What are you two doing here?" Jenny's mom opens the door after our frantic pounding, and is obviously surprised to see us.

"Is Jenny here?" I loosen my collar a little.

"Yeah, she's up in her room... Is everything okay?"

"She called us and said she needed to talk to us about something... is... can we see her?"

"Uh, sure." She steps aside. "Go on upstairs. First door on the left. I'd call her down, but I don't want her going up and down the stairs more than she has to."

Blink and I hurry up the stairs and knock on Jenny's bedroom door. "Come in." We open the door and step in to find her laying on her bed, reading a magazine. "Oh, hey, guys," she says, pushing herself up into a sitting position."

"What's going on? Is the baby okay?" I'm in a panic. I can't help it. That's my child in there.

Jenny puts a hand on her protruding belly. "The baby's fine. I just... I need to talk to you guys about something." She gestures to a little futon against the wall. "Sit down."

We obey and we perch on the edge of the futon, staring intently at her. "So... what's going on?"

Jenny sighs and looks down at her stomach, rubbing it a little. "I've been thinking."

"A dangerous pastime for all parties involved, I must say." Blink always makes jokes when he's nervous.

She smiles, but it fades quickly. "Um... see... I know you guys are really excited, and you're really looking forward to this baby and you're all ready and stuff..."

"Do you need something?" I'm reaching for my checkbook already.

"No... no, that's not it." She pushes her hair out of her face. "See, I've been thinking and it's occurred to me that there's... there's another little _person_ growing inside me. I'm its mother. And I've been thinking about how I'd feel if my mom didn't want me and was willing to just give me up to a couple of total strangers."

Uh-oh. I blink, trying to swallow the hard lump in my throat. "We're... we're not total strangers. You know us. Hell, you ran a police check on us."

"That's not the point, Jason." Jenny sighs again and shakes her head. "I just... I just don't think I want to give this baby up."

"But..." Blink is staring at her. "But you said you couldn't afford a baby. And that you couldn't live with the reminder of what happened to you."

"That was before I felt like I knew the baby. I tried so hard not to get attached, but you try having something growing in you for twenty-seven weeks and not being attached to it." Her hand is still resting protectively on her stomach. "I love this baby, guys. I just don't think I can let go. I can't. I'm sorry."

"But we've already bought stuff for it. We have a room ready for it." I put my face in my hands and shake my head.

Blink puts his hand between my shoulderblades. "Where are you going to live? How are you going to support yourself _and_ a baby? Do you know how much babies cost?"

"I'll figure something out."

"You've got to pay for the hospital stay, and buy furniture, and clothes and toys, and formula, and bottles, and diapers. Diapers are _expensive_, and you go through a lot every week. Plus, you don't have room in this house for an extra person, even if they are little. Where are you gonna live? How will you pay for a place?"

"Zach, I said I'd figure something out. I'll get a job or something."

"You're a _child_, Jenny! You're seventeen years old! You haven't even finished high school. How are you going to do that, and hold down a job, _and_ take care of a baby?" Blink's face is turning that shade of red it gets whenever he's angry. "Have you really even thought this out at all?"

"Look, I know you're angry, but please stop yelling at me." Tears are shining in her eyes, and she's now wrapped both arms around her belly.

"All you've got is some lofty, head-in-the-clouds dream about your perfect world as the perfect mommy with your perfect baby. You need to take a look around you, Jenny. You won't be able to make it."

"Blink, let's just go." I stand up and grab his hand. "Let's just go home."

"I suggest you really stop and think about what you're doing, Jenny. Not just to yourself or to us, but what you're doing to that baby. You have no idea what you're getting yourself into." Blink gets up and storms out, dragging me along behind him.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

I can't sleep. I find myself wandering around the apartment in the middle of the night, straightening things, washing dishes that are already clean, cleaning the bathrooms. I've been doing this for the past couple of weeks, "nesting," as my mom calls it, but now it's not out of wanting to be ready for the baby. Now it's just busywork.

I find myself standing in the middle of what used to be my office at three in the morning. What used to be simple, clean white and full of a professional-looking, sleek desk and chair and bookcases with books on Bob Fosse and the like, is now painted light blue with fluffy white clouds, with a rocking chair in a corner opposite a white crib. There's a sweet little black-and-white mobile hanging, and the changing table in the corner with the diapers and wipes and onesies and all that stuff already stacked on the shelves. I take it all in, the faint, lingering scent of paint mixing with baby powder and wood from the furniture. Suddenly, I find myself sitting cross-legged on the floor, my head in my hands, my shoulders heaving.

All I ever wanted was this child. And I was so close.


	5. Care to Wager?

I don't even bother getting ready for work in the morning. I haven't slept at all and I'm still sitting on the floor of the nursery when I hear Blink's alarm go off. I figure maybe I should get up, get dressed, go to work, but I know I'll be completely useless today. Plus I just don't want to move.

I hear footsteps and smell coffee.

"You been in here all night?" Blink comes in, pajama-clad, and hands me a cup of coffee.

"For the most part," I sniff, drinking my coffee.

"Baby." He sits down next to me, wrapping an arm around my shoulders. "Things will be okay." I sigh and look at him. "We can find another surrogate, Mush. Life isn't over."

"I don't want to find another surrogate." I feel like a stubborn three-year-old, but right now, I really don't care if I'm being immature.

"I know you're attached, I am too. But Jenny is young and full of hopes and dreams and is also apparently slightly retarded." I can't help but smile a little bit. "There you go. Look, we just can't dwell on this. We can't let it get to us. Think of it like when we were trying to get out as choreographers and we got rejected by nearly every director in New York. And now we're the highest in-demand in the business."

"Aww, Blink." I smile, leaning into him. "This is nothing like that. But it was very Mr. Rogers. Thanks."

He laughs a little and kisses my hair. "You going to work today?"

"No." I shake my head. "I don't really see the point in it. Don't feel much like dancing today."

"Me either." He sighs. "Want to stay here at home and be miserable together all day?"

I nod. "Yeah."

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

"So what do you want to do with the nursery?" I'm perched on the kitchen counter, peering over Blink's shoulder as he makes chocolate chip cookies.

"Well, we aren't just giving up on the whole baby thing, are we?" He looks up at me, and there's a little bit of flour on his nose, which I don't mention because it's funnier that way, even if we are having a serious discussion.

"No, I guess not. But... we decorated it for _this_ baby."

"Mushie, shut up." He holds out a spoonful of cookie dough and pops it into my mouth. "We decorated the nursery before we knew the baby, and we still don't even know if it's a boy or a girl, so really, it'll work for any baby, so won't it just be the same?"

"I guess," I mumble around the glob of chocolate chip.

There's a knock at the door. I hop down from the counter and go to answer it. I'm greeted by a mess of bright red hair, a gigantic belly, and a flood of tears on my shoulder.

I stand, dumbfounded, as Jenny clings to me, sobbing. "Jenny, what are you doing here?"

Blink comes out of the kitchen and his face goes to stone. "Aren't you supposed to be in school?"

Jenny pulls away from me, wiping her eyes. "I... I didn't go today. I didn't sleep last night."

"Funny, us either." Blink dusts flour from his hands.

"That's not good for the baby, Jenny," I say. "You're supposed to get, like, ten hours a night."

"Well, I'm not much good for the baby, am I?" She sniffles. "Can... can I come in?"

"Uh... yeah." I step aside, bewildered. Jenny comes into the apartment, looking around.

"Wow. This place is so big. And so pretty." She runs a hand along the back of the sofa. "You sure you want a little kid running around in here, messing this all up?"

"We wouldn't have been looking for a baby if we weren't okay with it." I shrug.

"Do you have a room for the baby?"

"Um, yeah." I walk to the nursery, right next to our bedroom, and open the door. "It's right in here."

Jenny walks in, looking around, and starts back up with the crying. "This is all so precious," she says, running her hands over the crib, the mobile, looking at the vast assortment of stuffed animals piled around the room. She wipes her eyes and turns back to Blink and me. "You really did all of this for my baby?"

"When we were under the impression that we were getting a baby, yes." Blink still has that hostile look on his face. I never thought he could be this angry – he's so pissed off that he's actually calm. Like, no emotion at all. That rarely happens, so it's a little bit scary.

"You guys are so prepared." She sits down in the rocking chair, letting out a whoosh of breath as she does so. "I'm nowhere near being ready for this baby."

"Well, you didn't have much to prepare for, did you? All you had to do was push the baby out, sign the papers, and be on your merry way. But that's all changed now, hasn't it?"

"_Blink_." I glare at him. He shuts up and resigns himself to setting his jaw and leaning against the door frame, scowling.

"He's right," Jenny squeaks. "Everything he's said to me is totally right." She sighs and holds a fuzzy brown teddy bear to her chest. "As much as I love this baby, I'm in no shape to be a mother. I can't take care of it." She raises her pitiful brown eyes to us. "You guys will make much better parents than I will."

I can't help but grin.

"Are you sure this time?" Blink asks from the doorway.

Jenny nods. "I want you two to have my baby."

"Thanks, Jenny." I hand her a tissue.

"You, um..." Blink scratches his head, his expression slowly softening. "You got time to stay for cookies?"

Jenny smiles. "Sure."

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

"So, like I said, I don't want an open adoption, but will you at least send me a picture now and then? Christmas, birthdays, milestones, whatever?" Jenny bites into a cookie.

"Absolutely." I nod. "Just keep kind of in touch with us, so that if and when the kid asks about its mother, we can get you two together and answer some questions."

"Just no lies, okay? Don't tell him or her that their mommy and daddy loved each other very much and they loved them very much too and had to give them up because a magical fairy was going to come steal them or some bullshit. Give it to them straight if they ask. Maybe don't flat-out tell an eight-year-old kid that their father was a cowardly, son-of-a-bitch racist who attacked a sixteen-year-old girl in an alley, but don't play him up as some decent kind of a guy, okay?"

Blink nods. "We'll be honest."

"Good." She finishes her cookie and stands up. "Well... I'm really sorry for all the drama. I hope you guys don't hate me too much." Blink and I smile. "I've got to get going. Thanks for the cookies."

"No problem." Blink gets up and grabs some Tupperware from the cupboard, packing some cookies into it. "Here, take some home."

Jenny smiles. "Thanks."

We walk her to the door. "Call us if you need anything, okay?" She nods and heads for the elevator.

"Well. I guess everything is okay now." Blink closes the door and puts his arms around my waist.

"I guess so." I lean in for a kiss. "I hope it stays that way."

"It'd better," he says, kissing me back.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

We lay on the couch, entangled in one another's arms, watching some Oprah Winfrey special and not really paying any attention to it. I'm reading a magazine and Blink, I think, is just spacing out, perhaps plotting ways to rid the world of the force that is Oprah.

"Hey, Mush?" Ah! Maybe he is paying attention.

"Yeah, babe."

"What's the baby's last name going to be?"

I bite my lip. "Shit. I guess I didn't really think about that." I shrug. "I don't know. Both of ours?"

"Like, Erickson-Meyers, or Meyers-Erickson?"

"Yeah, something like that."

"Well, which one?" Blink switches off the television.

"I don't really care." I shrug.

"I kind of like the way Erickson-Meyers sounds."

"Well, Erickson-Meyers it is." I smile up at him and kiss him on the cheek, going back to my magazine.

"What about first names?" He asks, a few minutes later.

"Have you thought of any?" I close the magazine and set it on the coffee table.

"Um. Just one. For a boy. Brendan James." He blushes a little bit.

I smile. "I like it."

Blink smiles back at me. "What about you? You thought of any?"

I shrug. "A couple for a girl."

"Tell me."

"Well... I was thinking either Elizabeth Ashley or Claire Marie."

"I really like Claire Marie. It's pretty."

"Alright."

"So it's settled?" Blink smiles at me. "We have names?"

"Yeah. We just have to wait and find out which one we get to use." I'm hoping that I'm not showing as much excitement as I'm feeling.

"Which do you think it is?"

I shrug. "Oh, I don't know."

"Come on, you know you have your speculations," Blink says, elbowing me playfully in the ribs.

"Does it really matter?" I laugh a little, elbowing him back.

"Well, I think it's a boy."

"No, it's not! It's totally a girl!"

Blink laughs triumphantly. "Would you care to wager on that?"

I roll my eyes. "Blink, you're so weird."

He wiggles his eyebrows. "Scared you'll lose?"

"I am not!" I sigh. "You know what? Fine! I bet you four middle-of-the-night feedings, redeemable at any time and at my discretion, that come April eleventh, we will have Claire Marie Erickson-Meyers."

"You're on." He extends his hand and we shake.

He's so weird sometimes.


	6. We've Come a Long Way, Baby

The last three months fly by but I don't even care because Blink and I are so ready. We've got everything we need, from diapers to a mobile to a bottle warmer, and we've even been surprising each other by randomly setting one another's alarms for random times of the nights (which is comparable to Pearl Harbor when you think about it but it's still kind of fun to watch Blink wake up with a start and fall out of bed) so that we're used to the baby crying. We've read every parenting book ever known to man, subscribed to at least seven hundred and forty-two parenting and baby-related magazines, and we've even watched the extremely outdated Brazelton videos from the 1980s... though that was more for sheer entertainment value than for educational purposes.

I'm so excited I've barely been able to work. I can't even pretend to be paying attention on the set, and that's why I'm glad I've just been there to supervise dance routines and check out how they look on film. The video's just finished wrapping, and Blink and I are preparing to take a few months off to spend with the baby and get him or her (and by "him or her" I obviously mean "her," but don't tell Blink that I said that) and get to know the baby and stuff. We've already started looking at nannies and other daycare services, even though we don't really want a full-time nanny or to put our child in full-time daycare. Maybe just during the day until one of us gets home.

Anyway, point is, we are _so_ ready.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Tonight's our last shebang as non-parents. This is the last night we are allowing ourselves to get out and have a really good time before we're tied down (though blissfully so) by a baby. Our plan is to go to the wrap party for my last video, get as shit-faced as possible, then come home and either have wild, drunken monkey sex or pass out... whichever comes first.

Blink comes wandering into the bedroom from the bathroom in his shirttails and boxers, fussing with his tie and scowling. "I can never figure these fucking bow ties out. They're not even worth it. All they do is make you look like a Chippendale's dancer."

I laugh. "Perhaps I like looking like a Chippendale's dancer."

"That's probably because you pretty much are one." He grins. "Tie it for me?"

"No, you insulted me."

Blink puts on a full-mouthed pout and opens his one big, light-blue eye at me. "Pwease?"

I roll my eyes, but it's hard to be mad when someone's looking at you like that. Especially when it's Blink, and especially when he's wearing only shirttails and boxers and he looks so. Fucking. Good. "Fine, come here."

He smiles sweetly and walks over to me, and I grab him by the collar and press my mouth to his. He moans a little bit in surprise at first, and then laughs against my lips as he wraps his arms around my waist. He deepens the kiss, angling his head a little more, before I break it and he whimpers at me.

"Mush, that's not fair. That's just cruel and unusual. You can't just kiss me like that and then--"

I push him backwards onto the bed and pounce on him.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

We climb into the cab, all loose and happy and a little bit drunk though there wasn't a drop of alcohol between us, and head to the wrap party, a good twenty minutes late.

I look Blink over, his hair combed but a little bit tousled, legs splayed out as far as they'll go behind the driver's seat, Chippendale's-style bow tie fastened tightly at his collar, that sweet, satisfied little smile on his face. He's _gorgeous_.

"What?" He looks at me, still smiling.

"I love you."

"I love you, too." He leans over, planting a soft kiss on my lips and drawing an awkward glance in the rear-view mirror from the cab driver.

We arrive at the studio forty minutes late for the party and not caring at all. We climb out of the cab and walk in the door, holding hands and grinning. Lisa bounds up to me with a big smile and a wet, slightly drunken kiss on the lips.

"Mushie," she says a little sloppily, "thanks for all the pretty dancing."

I laugh and kiss her on the forehead. "It's not a problem, Lisa." Smiling, I look at Blink. "Um, Lisa, have you met my partner, Blink?"

She grins. "Wow. He's just as attractive as you are, Mushie. That's not fair."

"I lucked out," I say with a shrug, and then Lisa gets distracted and wanders off.

We wander around the party for a few minutes until the director of the video seeks me out and pulls me over to the side to praise me for how awesome I am. Blink goes off to get us some champagne.

As Blink comes back with two glasses, my cell phone rings. "Sorry," I say to the director, turning away from him and answering the phone. "Hello?"

"Jason?" A woman's voice answers me.

I look at Blink, not sure of who it is that's calling me. "Uh, yeah. Who's this?"

"This is Janice, Jenny's mother?"

"Oh, hey." I take a small sip of my champagne.

"It's awfully loud on your end. Where are you?"

"I'm at a party, um, for my work. Is everything okay?"

"Oh, um, well, I thought I'd call you because things are a little hectic at our house right now... See, Jenny's gone into labor." She chuckles a little, as if this is hilarious and I'm ready to scream. "We're on our way to the hospital now. Meet us there?" She rattles off a location.

"Yeah, we'll... shit. Okay, um, bye." I hang up the phone and take the champagne glass from Blink's hand as it's halfway to his lips. "We have to go."

"Why? What's wrong?" Blink's face goes from jovial to stone-cold fear in less than a second.

"We're having a baby." I grab his hand and head out the door.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

"Mommy, I don't want to do this!" Jenny cries from her hospital bed, clinging to her mother's hand. She yelps a little as another contraction hits, squeezing her eyes shut and shaking her head.

"Baby, it's going to be okay." Janice pats her hand and looks at Blink and me with a small smile. "This'll all be over soon, I promise."

"Not soon enough!"

I have to stifle a laugh and instead just squeeze Blink's hand. He looks at me with a secret little smirk and turns back to Jenny.

"We'll get you an epidural, okay, sweetie?" Janice strokes Jenny's hair back from her forehead, smiling.

"Well, do it _now_!" Another contraction comes along and Jenny screams.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Fourteen hours, thirty-eight minutes, eight cups of coffee, and no sleep later, I am holding the world's most beautiful baby girl in my arms. Soft, fine red hair, the biggest blue eyes you'd ever see (though I realize that could change), ten tiny pink fingers and ten tiny pink toes.

"Hi, Claire," I say with a smile, moving her little pink blanket aside to look at her face. She squinches up her nose and cries a little, but I snuggle her closer to my chest and she quiets down. I smile at look up at Blink as he's standing over my shoulder, and he stops his cooing at the baby to look down at me and grin.

"We did good, baby," he says, kissing me.

"You know, we really did." I grin. "You wanna hold her?"

Blink blushes. "I, uh... I think I might break her."

"You will not, Blink."

"I've never held a baby before. I... I'll break her. Seriously."

"You're not going to hurt her. She's small, but she's not that fragile. Trust me, honey, you can hold her and she'll be just fine. I promise."

I stand up so Blink can sit down and ease the baby into his arms. He smiles up at me nervously and then looks down at Claire, beaming. I've never seen him look so proud.

"We doing good?" I smile at him.

"Oh, yeah." He nods and strokes a finger down Claire's face. "We're doing real good."


	7. Trouble in Paradise

"Daddy's coming!"

_Wail._

"Just a minute!"

_Cry_.

"I know you're hungry, Claire, Daddy will be there in just a second!"

_Scream_.

I don't know what the hell Blink did to the bottle warmer. How do you _break_ one of these things? Honestly.

I'm standing in the kitchen, ready to pitch this piece of shit out of the window, while Claire is in her Moses basket on the living room floor, vehemently voicing her opinion at the top of her lungs. I have all of thirty seconds to make this bottle before my eardrums rupture, and the freaking bottle warmer won't work. I don't have time to boil a pot of water.

I'm going effing crazy here.

With a bad-tempered smack to its side, the bottle warmer starts up, and I'm ready to cry with relief. I heat up the bottle and trudge out to the living room, scooping Claire out of her basket and plopping down onto the couch.

"Alright. Lunch is here. The world has righted itself again."

Claire quiets for a moment and looks at me, and I offer her the bottle. She looks at it for a moment, then looks back at me.

_Wail_.

I sigh. "Come on, baby girl," I say softly, offering her the bottle again. Her little arm flails out and bats it out of my hand. Closing my eyes for a moment, I shake my head. "Remind me to sign you up for karate when you're old enough."

_Scream_.

"Okay, do we need a diaper change?" I get up and take her to the nursery, laying her on the changing table. I unbutton her onesie and check her diaper – dry. "Well, what's wrong, honey?"

_Cry_.

Where the hell is Blink? I sent him to the grocery store for the weekly shopping and usually that takes forty-five minutes. He's been gone for over an hour and a half. I swear to God, I'm going to shoot him when he gets home. He's been running errands all day and hasn't been home for more than an hour since he got up this morning. I can't take care of the baby all by myself.

I roll my eyes and undo the top few buttons on my shirt, picking up the still-screaming Claire and laying her against my chest. I walk around the apartment with her, bouncing her a little, and resisting the urge to tear my hair out.

After fifteen minutes of this, the front door swings open. Blink comes into the kitchen where I'm standing, and has the nerve to smile at me like I'm just going to welcome him home.

"Hey, babe," he says, setting the groceries on the counter and giving that pity-look to Claire, who is still practicing to be an opera star. "Boy, someone's grumpy today."

"What took you so long?"

"Sorry, I ran into Dutchy at the grocery store and he had to tell me all about the joys married life and I had to show off pictures of Claire and brag about her and tell him how much better my life is than his," he chirps, a bright grin spreading across his face.

"You were gone for two hours." I lean against the counter and glare at him.

"Was I?"

"If not longer."

"Sorry." He shrugs like it's nothing. Like I haven't been here with a screaming baby all day while he's been running errands. "I'll be back in a minute, I have to grab the rest of the groceries."

He heads out the door and comes back up a couple minutes later and puts the groceries away, then smiles at me. "So, what did you two do while I was gone? Anything super fun that I might have missed out on?"

I cock an eyebrow. "We didn't _do_ anything. She's been like this all day."

"Did you feed her?"

"Tried to. She won't eat."

"Change her diaper?"

"_Blink_." My chain is about to snap.

He looks at me, as if he's surprised that I'm not happy with him. "Did you try putting her in her little chair-thingy? The one that vibrates?"

"She hates that thing."

"Okay... well... um, I can take her, if you want, and you can go relax, or whatever you want to do... Just take a little time for yourself, I guess." He looks apologetic, and a little pathetic, and he'd be cute if I won't so angry at him right now.

"Fine." I hand him the baby and she immediately stops crying.

"Aww," Blink says, laughing a little. "Did you miss your Daddy Blink?" He kisses the top of her head, bouncing her around a bit.

I roll my eyes and head into the bedroom, slamming the door behind me. Claire starts crying again at the noise, and I smile a little in satisfaction as I drop down onto the bed.

What is _wrong_ with me?

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

"Alright, she's sleeping," Blink says, coming into the living room and curling up on the couch next to me. I continue staring at the television and he looks at me, then at the screen. "So, any new developments today?"

"No. She just _cried_." I flip through the channels, shrugging.

"Maybe she's colicky."

"Or maybe she just likes crying. She's a baby."

"Um. Could be." He shrugs. I stay silent, and he turns to me. "Are you mad at me?"

I turn off the television and look at him. "No, Blink, I just _love_ it when you're gone all fucking day and you leave me with a screaming baby to take care of by myself. Nothing makes me happier."

He winces. "I thought that this was what you wanted." I just stare at him. "Being a parent, I mean. I thought you wanted a baby."

"I did! And I love Claire, more than anything. But I _cannot do this by myself_. I just can't, Blink. We are parents together. And when you're gone all day, that kind of defeats the purpose."

"I'm sorry." He bites his lower lip.

"I'm going to bed." I get up, and he grabs my hand.

"Mush, come on, I'm sorry." He looks really sincere, and I sigh.

"Blink, it's just not okay. I'm going crazy here. We both took time off work to spend time with Claire and you're always out doing something or another. I need you _here_."

He pulls me back down onto the couch, draws me into him. "Okay. I'll be here. I promise."

I nod. "Okay."

Blink tilts my chin up and kisses me for the first time today, slow and soft, and I very nearly melt despite my determination to remain pissed off at him. "I really am sorry," he says, his lips a couple inches from mine.

"I forgive you," I say, placing a hand on his chest. "For now, anyway."

He smiles a little and kisses me again, deepening it this time. I lean into him, sighing, as he wraps his arms around me and leans forward, pushing me against the arm of the couch and resting on top of me. His weight on me is familiar and comfortable, warm and sweet as it's always been. I smile as his hands find their way to the buttons on my shirt and undo them with expertise he's accumulated over the years, and slides the shirt off my shoulders. He kisses my neck and collarbone, and I lean my head back, grinning.

"I love you," I say, laughing a little as he nips at the little bit of skin right above my navel.

"Love you too," he mumbles against my stomach, flipping open my belt.

"What are you doing?" I crane my neck to look down at him as he's easing my jeans down my hips.

"Lie still," he says with a devilish grin.

I _love_ it when he apologizes to me.


	8. I Keep My Jealousy Close

"Yeah, no, I'm definitely interested. I'm sure Jason will be, too. It sounds like a pretty good deal. I'll, uh, I'll talk to Jason about it and I'll give you a call, probably tomorrow. Yeah. Thanks. Okay, bye."

I hear the phone hang up and walk out of the nursery after putting Claire down for her nap. "Who was that?"

Blink walks up to me and puts his arms around me, grinning. "Some producer."

"Uh-huh, and what'd he want?"

"Um... How do you feel about maybe going back to work sometime soon?" When I just look at him, he squeezes my waist a little. "Come on. Claire's four months old. I think she can handle us working. This guy is producing a huge, overblown movie musical and wants us to do the choreography. They're offering us two million dollars as a team. Two _million_. And it's been, like, forever since we worked as a team. What do you think?"

"Two million? Jesus, what's the budget for this movie?" I roll my eyes. "You sure you want to do something that corporate?"

"Mush, we do Broadway. That classifies as corporate, I'd say." He laughs a little. "Come on, what do you think?"

"I... I don't know, Blink. I'm not sure I'm ready to go back to work. I'm actually kind of digging this stay-at-home-dad routine." I shrug, looking at his face and sighing. "When do they want us to start?"

"Four weeks from today." He rubs my sides, looking into my eyes pleadingly. "Mush, this could be our big shot. We could really make a name for ourselves."

"We've already made a name for ourselves. People kill for us on Broadway."

"Yeah, but we can go national. Maybe finally start that dance company we used to talk about."

"That was, like, five years ago. Don't you think our priorities have changed a little since then?" I nod toward the closed door of the nursery.

"And I'm not saying she won't still be number one. But there are still other aspects to our lives." His face looks so earnest and hopeful. "Come on. Mush. Please."

"Two million dollars." I sigh. "How long do they think it'll take to film?"

"With planning out the choreography, six months, tops."

"What're they looking for, like, as a style?"

"He said he wanted something 'modern and hip,' which means he's at least sixty, sixty-five, so that'll mean probably nineties hip-hop style."

I laugh a little. "Will you shut up if I agree?"

"I will zip my lips, lock them, and throw away the key." He flashes me that grin again.

"Okay. Yes. Fine. Let's do it."

"Yes!" He puts his hands on my cheeks and kisses me, laughing. "I love you!"

"I love you, too. Please let go of my face." He does and I smile.

"Oh! They said they'd pay for housing, too."

"Wait, _what_? Housing?"

"Yeah, um... I guess I forgot to mention. We'll have to move to LA for the time it's filming."

"We can't move to LA, Blink." I shake my head.

"Come on. This is our big shot, Mush. Why can't we do this?"

"Well, let's see. First off, we have a four-month old daughter. Secondly, we live in New York. We are New Yorkers. We are not creepy, surfing, tofu-eating Californians. Third, _we have a four-month-old daughter_ and do you have any idea what a move like that would do to her?"

"We'll be moving back," he says, glaring at me.

"Fuck you, I'm not moving to California."

Blink's eyebrows knit together in frustration. He crosses his arms and sets his jaw. "And suppose I were to go anyway."

"Oh, Jesus Christ, Blink. You're acting like a two-year-old." I sigh and roll my eyes. "Fine. You want to go, then go. I don't care. But take your shit and leave your key, because you walk out that door and you're not coming back."

His mouth drops open for a moment but he quickly closes it. "Fine. I'll start packing." He turns on his heel and heads for the bedroom.

I stand for a minute, frozen in place, unsure of what's just happened. "Shit," I mutter, heading into the bedroom after Blink.

"You know, Mush, sometimes I can't believe how selfish you are," Blink says, pulling clothes out of the closet and tossing them haphazardly, hangers and all, into a suitcase.

All thoughts of begging for forgiveness completely leave my mind. "_I'm_ selfish?" I laugh coldly. "You're the one leaving your partner of thirteen years _and_ your _daughter_ because you want to work on a fucking movie and I won't move across the country with you."

"See, that's the problem, Mush." He stands in the closet doorway, shaking his head at me. "You're so caught up in your own little world that you can't see what's going on around you."

I roll my eyes. "What are you talking about, oh wise one? Do enlighten me."

"You wanted a child. I agreed, because it would make you happy, and because I wanted to share that with you. I thought it would make our lives a little bit better, even though _I_ was perfectly happy the way we were. So we adopted Claire, and we're both happy about that, yes?"

"Yes, but I fail to see where you're going with this."

"You've been so busy playing mommy and daddy that you haven't really given me a chance to be a parents as well, and on top of that, you've been completely ignoring the part of our relationship that makes it a relationship. We're supposed to be partners, Mush, and everything lately has been so one-sided."

I feel my eyes start to sting. This is really happening. It can't be happening. "Blink, I--"

"No, Mush." He sighs and looks up at the ceiling. "You and I are barely together anymore in any sense of the word. And when we are, you're either thinking, talking, worrying about the baby, or you're picking a fight with me about some bullshit thing." He bites his lip and looks back at me. "I'm sorry, Mush, but I just can't do this anymore."

Closing the suitcase, Blink pushes past me into the hallway. I follow. "No, Blink, you're not really leaving. This is just another one of our stupid fights. This is what we do. I'm being an asshole, you're being an asshole, and in a little bit we'll both realize that and forgive each other and we'll just be assholes together."

He looks down at his shoes and shakes his head. "I don't think that's how it's going to work this time." Running a hand through his hair, he looks up at me. "I'm going to say goodbye to Claire, and then I'm going to go... somewhere. I don't know where. But I'll send you my address when I get to LA and you can ship the rest of my stuff to me. And we'll figure out a custody thing for Claire later."

I wedge myself into the doorway of the nursery, sniffling and wiping my cheeks. I know I probably look pathetic right now, but I really just don't care right now. All I care about is making him stay. "No."

"Get out of my way, Mush."

"No. You can't. You can't do this."

He sighs and puts his hands on my waist, pulling me away from the door and moving me aside. I forgot how strong he is, especially when he's angry. He walks into the nursery, and I hear him talking softly to Claire, calming her down as she fusses from being woken up. A few minutes later he walks out, wiping his cheeks. He looks over at me, slumped against the wall, and picks up his suitcase and walks out the front door.

I close my eyes. He'll be back. He loves me. He'll be back.

I walk out to the entryway, intent on looking through the peephole and seeing him standing in the hallway. The only thing I see is the table next to the door.

With his key sitting on it.


	9. Nothing Comes as Easy as You

"I guess it's just you and me from here on out, baby girl," I say as I lift Claire out of her crib in the morning. She doesn't cry when I pick her up; it's like she understands that I'm sad and wants to comfort me. She turns into me as I cradle her, cooing softly at me and looking up into my face. I feel hot tears sliding down my cheeks and quickly wipe them on my sleeve, sighing. "Let's go and get ourselves some breakfast, shall we?"

I sit at the table, feeding Claire her bottle and pretending to read the paper, incapable of really focusing on any story. I look up and across the table at Blink's chair, actually half-expecting him to be there. But he's not. The chair is empty, and all I see is plain, pale-blue wall behind it. I look down at Claire and she looks up at me, and I sigh. "What am I going to do with out him, Claire?"

She doesn't answer me; she just continues sucking down her bottle and staring at me with those big, curious blue-green eyes. I stare back and wonder how I'm going to do this alone.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

"Jason, baby, you have got to leave that apartment," my mom says into the phone. She's probably right, I mean, I haven't left in two weeks. I've even taken to having my groceries delivered and ordering nothing but take-out rather than going out myself and doing something. "It's not just bad for you, it's bad for Claire. She needs to get out and get some fresh air. You're not doing her any good sitting around the house in sweatpants and a dirty tee shirt and moping."

"My tee shirt's clean," I mumble in argument.

"Jason, get up off the couch, take a shower, shave, because Lord knows you probably haven't done that in a week or two," I feel my face and scowl at the phone, glad my mom can't see me, or my exaggerated five o'clock shadow, "...and go out and meet someone."

"I don't want to meet anyone. I want Blink back. I love Blink."

"I know you do, honey-bunch, but he's gone. And you have a child to think about. You cannot raise a child by yourself."

"Why not? You did, and look how I turned out."

"You're a rare case, sweetie. But do you have any idea how hard it was, doing it all on my own? I nearly went off the deep end on more than one occasion."

"Nearly?" A trace of a smirk finds its way onto my face.

My mom chuckles. "See? You're coming back." She sighs. "Boo-boo," she says, calling me by the nickname she gave me when I was a baby, "I know you're heartbroken. And I feel for you, I really do. I'm actually considering flying out to California to knock some sense into that boy myself. But you need to get your life back into swing. Go back to work. Dance. Make some friends, meet some people. Just get out of your house, baby."

"I can't. I can't leave Claire."

"Oh, for Christ's sake, Jason," my mom groans. "You know what? I'm coming over. I'm going to watch Claire, and you're going to clean yourself up and go out."

"Mom, I--"

"Don't you argue with me, boy," she says, her voice slipping into Angry Black Woman Mode. "I may be gettin' older and you may be taller than me now, but I will still paddle your ass, don't think I won't."

"Fine," I say sulkily.

"I'll be there in twenty minutes."

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

My mom comes in without even knocking. "Hello!" She comes strolling into the kitchen, clucking her tongue at me. "Jason, what have you done to yourself..." She grabs me by the chin, turning my head from side to side, inspecting my face. "It's called a razor, baby, you should really look into it."

"Thanks, Mom. I'm gonna go take a shower." I start to head out of the kitchen, but she grabs my arm.

"Hey, hey, wait a minute, boy. First off, where's my lovin', and second, where's my grandbaby?"

She taps her cheek and I roll my eyes and kiss her. "Claire's in the nursery, supposedly taking a nap, but I doubt she's sleeping. She won't sleep."

Mom just chuckles and sashays into the nursery, lifting Claire out of her crib and cooing to her affectionately. I stand and watch for a minute before grabbing a towel from the linen closet and heading into the bathroom.

I spend nearly forty-five minutes in the shower because the hot water feels so good and it's been so long since I've been able to shower without having to worry about the baby. I finally get out to be welcomed by the steam-filled bathroom, and use the blow-dryer to clear off the mirror. I manage to shave without nicking myself once, and look in the mirror with a small, satisfied smile.

Heading into the bedroom, I pull a simple button-up shirt out of the closet and tug it on with slacks, then slip into my shoes and walk back out to the living room.

"Satisfied?"

My mom turns around on the couch and looks me up and down. "Phew! Look at you!" She grins. "You're so damn good-lookin', baby, just like your mama."

I laugh and lean down to kiss her head. "I'll be gone two, three hours tops."

"You take as long as you need, Boo-boo. We'll manage." She looks at Claire and grins. "Won't we, baby? Yes, we will," she coos.

"Thanks, Mom. Love you." I grab my keys and head out the door, tripping over a suitcase as I do so. "Shit!" I look up to see a tall, blond-haired, blue-eyed, eye patch-wearing man pacing back and forth in the hallway.

"Mush," he says, stopping in his tracks and staring at me.

"Blink." I stand, mouth gaping, staring back. "What... what are you doing here?"

"I couldn't do it." His voice cracks a little at the end, and he clears his throat, pushing his hair off his forehead nervously. "I couldn't stay away."

Before I can respond, he steps forward, throwing his arms around my neck and kissing me.


End file.
